你的反應決定你的人生

　　有沒有聽過90/10法則？「人生的組成有一成是際遇，九成是我們對不同事情的反應，而這九成的反應就視乎我們預期受眾會如何回應我們。」

 

　　面對同樣的情況，發生了兩個截然不同的故事；不同的反應，帶來不同的結果。

 

　　(1) May不小心摔破了自己的iPhone。她立即買了一部新的代替，不過未能取回手機內的資料。為此極之煩躁的她對下屬大動干戈，還向男友開火。最後，她的助理決定辭職，更糟的是，離她而去的還有男友。

 

　　(2) 同樣地，June失去了她的iPhone，但她沒有能力添置一部新機，只好不情不願地問哥哥借了一部型號很舊的手機。派對上，June的朋友看到她手中的「古董」後雀躍不已，爭相把玩手機，June在一片歡笑聲中處之泰然，這樣的她引起Mark的注意，兩人其後發展成情侶。

 

　　May之所以在事件上表現極為憤怒，全因她認為這是一個強勢女性應有的反應，這樣做才能展現她的女強人形象。如果她身處在一個荒蕪的偏遠村莊，少了觀眾，她在這台戲上的反應或會完全不同。我們時常在意別人的想法，以致忘記自己，事實是，我們的想法及態度主宰我們對事情的反應，這些反應會改變我們的經歷，形成我們的生活。

 

反向作用

 

　　「這個女人拒絕得太多了。」－莎士比亞

 

　　這句對白常被引用來形容一些落力地砌詞狡辯，以掩飾真正想法的人。在心理學上，這叫「反向作用」──當一個人認為他的真正想法不為社會接納，他便會啟動這個防禦機制，試圖以相反的事物來說服自己及他人，很多時會有誇張的表現。

 

例子

 

－男同性戀者參與了一個麻甩聚會：跟幾個男人喝啤酒，撩女仔，講低俗笑話，又公開批評男同性戀者。他迫切地想獲得認同，認同他擁有一般男性的氣概。

 

－一個極為寂寞又嚮往愛情的女人大肆宣揚單身的好處。她忙於工作、做義工、學瑜伽……到處炫耀自己的生活有多快活，有多滿足，她只想證明自己不需要一個男人在身旁。

 

－她痛恨她的同事，但表現得極為平靜及客氣，最後更親切有禮地對待她。她嘗試證明自己對於這個朋友奪去她的夢中情人這件事，一點都不在乎。

 

　　其他經典的例子還有，酒鬼大肆讚揚戒酒的好處；富二代舉行反資本家的集會；不盡責的父親間中帶著厚禮回家，打算以此來寵溺兒子……「反向作用」的特徵明顯－情緒高昂、行為無理，以引人注目的行徑來獲取他人注意，但這些人並不是想騙人，而是有強迫性的行為。偏執地堅守貞潔與清純之下，或埋藏了強烈的性慾；豁達無私背後或是自私自利，以及虔誠之心或隱藏了罪惡。反向作用的例子還有恐懼症。一個人對懼怕的事物感到渴求，那麼他並不是害怕事物的本身，真正令他感到恐懼的是想得到事物的盼望。經典例子就是有些男性與女性相處時，表現得過分羞怯，他們的恐懼便是避免願望成真而作出的反應。

 

　　「我們的生活不是由發生在我們身上的事情所決定，決定性的是我們對事情的反應，對生活抱持的態度，而非生活帶給我們甚麼。」這是老生常談，但確實無誤。我們是由人生中大大小小的經歷所組成，緊隨正面態度而來的是一連串正面的想法、事情與結果。

 

　　願在2016年伴隨你的會是數之不盡的積極回應。

 

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

 

Reaction Formation 

 

　　Ever heard of the 90/10 Principle? It means “Life is 10% what happens to us , and 90% how we react to it. And 90% of our reaction depends on our perception of how our audience might react to it.”

 

　　Two stories,  same situation. Different reactions, different results: 

 

　　(1) May dropped & broke her iPhone. She bought a new one immediately, but many data could not be retrieved. Deeply frustrated, she screamed at her staff and  took it out on her boyfriend. Finally her PA resigned and walked out on her. Worse still, so did her boyfriend . 

 

　　(2) June lost her iPhone too.  Couldn’t afford a new one, she reluctantly borrowed her brother’s VERY old phone . At a party, June’s friends were all amused by her  “antique”. They were playing with it, there were jokes & laughter, & she took it all in stride….That’s how Mark noticed her. They have been dating since…

 

　　May reacted in pompous anger probably because she perceived this reaction to be expected of a strong, powerful, superwoman - an image she was eager to uphold. Had she been alone in a remote village surrounded by trees & buffalos, she would, for a lack of audience, probably have reacted differently. Often, we are so preoccupied by others’ perception of us we forget to think for ourselves. The fact remains, it is our thoughts and attitude which govern our reactions; and it is our reactions which  would change our experiences and shape our lives. 

 

Reaction Formation

 

　　 “ The lady doth protest too much” Hamlet, Shakespeare. 

 

　　This quote has often been used to refer to people who appear to be emphatically opposed to something in an effort to hide their true desires. In psychology, this is known as ‘Reaction Formation’ – a defense mechanism in which a person perceives his true feelings to be socially unacceptable, so he attempts to convince himself and others that the opposite is true,  often in a very exaggerated manner.

 

Examples:

 

-A man who is gay engages in an ostentatiously public display of macho-ism: having a few beers with the boys, whistling at girls, cracking crude jokes and openly  criticizing gays. He fretfully wants to be recognized as stereotypically masculine.

 

-A woman who is desperately lonely and yearns for a relationship extols the virtues of being single. She is super busy with her job, volunteer work, yoga classes…. Boasting how happy & fulfilled her life is, she is going all out to prove she doesn’t need a man.

 

-A person who is irate with a colleague behaves with exaggerated calm and courtesy and ends up being particularly nice and friendly towards her. She is trying to prove  she doesn’t mind her friend undeservingly getting the man  who should have been hers.

 

　　Other classic examples include: the alcoholic who exalts the virtues of abstinence; the rich kid who organizes anti-capitalist rallies; the absent father who occasionally returns with big gifts to spoil his children… Reaction formation is easy to identify -  It often appears hyper, unreasonable, and obviously showy in order to attract  attention. People afflicted are not being deceitful, just compulsive. Overly staunch views of chastity and purity may mask deep seeded strong sexual desires; altruism may hide selfishness and piety may conceal sinfulness. Phobia is another example of a reaction formation. The person wants what he fears. He is not afraid of the object, he is afraid of the wish for the object. A man who would be too shy to interact with women would be a classic example. The reactive fear prevents the dreaded wish from being fulfilled.

 

　　“Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life“ – cliché it may be, valid nonetheless. We are a sum of our life’s experiences -  A positive attitude is a catalyst which brings a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. 

 

　　May 2016 bring you an abundance of positive reactions.

 

 

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