老婆搵多過老公，有問題嗎？

　　隨著更多的女性擁有高學歷及優越的工作，女人較男人賺取更高的收入絕不罕見。男女關係上，這個現象又有何影響？

 

　　有調查顯示，在美國500大企業的26位女性行政總裁中，有一半人是或某程度上是「女主外，男主內」，當中包括富士的Ursula Burns及百事的Indra Nooyi。前英國副首相Nick Clegg曾表示，對於妻子Miriam Gonzalez Durantez的工資是他的四倍，他自愧不如。女強人在當今的社會無處不在。無論是欣賞或不屑，這個社會轉變已進一步為人所接受。可是，我們的心理及情緒上的態度似乎未能同步。從小的教養大大影響著我們對自己的看法及個人價值觀，要重新建立一套與過往認知不同的關係或家庭的觀念絕非易事。

 

　　哈佛大學及布蘭戴斯大學就此方面聯合進行研究。是次調查隨機揀選了286對上班族夫婦，進行性別角色的意識、階層線性模式、縱貫性研究上的分析。他們甚至用52項評分來量度夫妻在角色扮演上的質素。總結這次研究，他們發現面角色調轉的情況，即使部分男性感到受威脅，但感到困難的主要是女性。據《時代雜誌》的一項調查顯示，有九成收入少於妻子的丈夫認為有一段「愉快」的婚姻，只有75%作為家庭主要收入來源的丈夫有同樣的想法。

 

　　記者Farnoosh Torabi的新書則借有關女強人難以找得婚姻伴侶時的數據，提出一個截然不同的看法。即使女強人覓得伴侶，她的丈夫在心理上有被崇拜的需要，結果這班丈夫出軌的機會率是其他丈夫的5倍。假如他要負責家頭細務，他很可能感到有欠雄風，對性愛的慾望亦隨之熄滅，這樣的婚姻難以長久。

 

　　香港的情況又如何？很可惜，持Torabi想法的人多於相信哈佛大學及布蘭戴斯大學研究的人。西方男人的想法較開放，但在沙文主義根深柢固的中國社會，要推翻經歷多個世紀的傳統是極為困難的。難處在約會之初已浮現，收入的差距在各處明示－昂貴的餐廳與便宜的咖啡廳、她與他各自的住宅、商務客位與經濟客位，他微薄的收入無法滿足她的願望清單，清單反成他的怨憤。女人們仍努力找出既享受事業的榮耀，又可增強男人自尊的平衡點。付賬時的不安感非真的來自金錢，行為背後是複雜的心理問題，關於女人對男伴的期望（強大的施予者），以及她們認為應有所期望（個性與核心價值）。交往的過程盡是掙扎與困難。

 

　　假設愛火蔓延，這樣的婚姻將是一項挑戰。收入少於伴侶的男人或戲謔說自己以妻子為榮。他說他不會計較，她亦不覺得有問題，不過，他其實是在意的、計較的，即使不是當下，終會發生。如果男伴持續在步伐、野心及賺錢能力上有負所望，有些女人或會覺得困擾及失禮。他因而給予自己巨大的壓力，不論她做些甚麼，他會扭曲成令人厭惡的行徑，她的話語即使無意冒犯，在他聽來都是綿裏針。最後，她成為他眼中的不幸。

 

　　經濟發展需要職業女性。假如過去四十年，女人踏入職場並振興經濟，在未來四十年，就要面對由此而來的社會、心理學及關係上的後果，而前者肯定是較後者容易。

 

　　我的建議是找個薪水較自己高的丈夫，同樣地，要相差不遠。差天共地的薪金或讓你感到地位尊崇，但對於愛情，這太為難了。

 

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

 

When She Earns More

 

　　With more women getting higher education and better jobs, it is no longer rare for women to be  earning more than men.  How does this affect our relationships?

 

　　A study shows that half of the 26 female CEOs of US Fortune 500 companies have, or at some point had, a “house-husband”, including Xerox’s Ursula Burns and PepsiCo’s Indra Nooyi. The late Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister of the UK,  said he felt humbled by his wife Miriam Gonzalez Durantez who was earning four times as much as he did. Strong women are sticking out in societies everywhere, like budding flowers and sore thumbs. Whether admiringly or begrudgingly it is a social change which is being increasingly accepted. Nevertheless, our psychological and emotional attitudes haven’t quite caught up yet. Our sense of self and personal values are heavily defined by our upbringing, and to re-invent a relationship or family dynamics radically different from that which we knew growing up is not simple.

 

　　Harvard and Brandeis universities conducted a joint study on this subject. The research took a random sample of 286 dual earner couples, covering gender role ideology, hierarchical linear modeling, longitudinal studies, they even used a 52 items scale to measure marital role quality.

 

　　They conclude that all is well,  though some men feel threatened, mainly it is women who have difficulties coming to terms with this role reversal. A survey by Time magazine even revealed that 90% of husbands who earned less than their wives reported “happy” marriages, compared with 75% of breadwinner men. 

 

　　Journalist Farnoosh Torabi presented a different argument in her new book  with data showing just how hard it is for power women to find husbands. When they finally do, he’ll have this psychological need to be adored and ends up being 5 times more likely to cheat on her than other husbands. If he helps with household chores, he is likely to feel so emasculated he goes off sex. Either way, the marriage seldom last. 

 

　　What is it like in Hong Kong? Sadly, more Torabi than Harvard Brandeis. Western men have more latitude. Turning around centuries of tradition is immensely difficult in a Chinese society which is fundamentally chauvinistic. The awkwardness begins with dating. Income disparity becomes quickly obvious everywhere - expensive restaurants versus cheap cafes;  her apartment versus his ;  business versus economy class travel… his short of disposable income would turn her desires into his resentment. Women are still trying to figure out how to balance pride in their success against their perceived need to bolster the egos of men.  The discomfort over who pays for what is not really about money,  it is suggestive of the complex psychology of what women expect from their men (a strong provider) and what they think they should expect (personality and core values). A dilemma and a struggle all the way.

 

　　Assuming love prevails, such a marriage  would still be a challenge. A man who earns much less than his wife may jokingly tell the world how proud he is of her. He says he doesn’t mind, she says it doesn’t matter, but he does mind and it does matter, if not now,  eventually. Some women may feel frustrated and disrespectful if their partners continuously fail to match their drive, ambition and earning power. He gives himself so much pressure that whatever she does, he would distort her action to mean something nasty and her words would sound hurtful even when no offence was intended. Finally, he starts blaming her for his misfortune.

 

　　Our economy needs working women. If the past four decades have been all about women entering the workforce and boosting the economy, the next four decades will be spent dealing with our social, psychological and relationship consequences. The former was definitely easier.

　　My advice would be to find a man who earns more, the same, or with only minor differences. However noble you may feel, with huge income disparity it’s just too hard.

 

 

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