戀愛始於尋找自我

　　「開始認識你」是由羅傑斯與漢默斯坦製作的《國王與我》內的曲目，是一首活潑又有趣的樂曲。對於現正尋找另一半的成年人，我會先跟他們介紹「開始認識我」。

　　坊間有不少書籍及大師為如何覓得生命中的「唯一」出謀獻策。有趣的是他們傳授的智慧都集中於求伴的計策，而非建立一段細水長流的關係，彷彿一個追求者只需摩拳擦掌，等待時機，再撲向獵物，自然功到垂成。對此，我不敢苟同。你或已掌握打動人心的台詞、擠出完美的「事業線」或部署好絕佳的作戰計劃，你很大機會獲得令人歡若狂喜的收成，可是，一段長久的關係並非遊戲，這份喜悅亦難以長存。

　　為贏得人心而定的策略只是經過計算的欺詐，難以藉此與對方共創將來。可是，為何人們都愛投入這種遊戲？未有深入認識自我是主因，先看看以下一些常見的例子。

1. 裝酷

　　別人向你示好，滿心歡喜的你偏偏故作矜持。你怕給予太多、太快的反應會讓你自扁身價或看來心急。你希望這份冷淡為你倆的關係升溫，可是，他很有可能誤會你的意思，轉而投向別人的懷抱。

2. 裝上流

　　你明明偏好飲鴛鴦、唱卡拉OK、行街購物，卻假裝為名酒、意大利歌劇及藝術的鑑賞家。明明你是個過路凡人，卻為自己偽造一個高雅、有教養的的背景。可是，當他的家人及朋友摸清你的底蘊，認定你是個名不乎實的人，自然會討厭你。

3. 裝傲慢

　　兩人爭執起來，你就匆匆提出分手，為了保護自己，你要先下手為強；為了個人自尊，你不顧一切地要於他離棄你之前先拋開他，搶著喊：「我此生不需要任何人！」事實是你真的需要，你可能是不成熟地過早行動。

　　這些偽裝的共同原因或有差異，但一般而言想法幼稚，自信心不足的第一類人是被嚴重地誤導；第二類人是嚴重缺乏安全感；第三類人恐懼寂寞與失敗。

　　若然這些方法都是錯誤的，甚麼才是尋找「對的人」的真正良方？先由了解自己開始。你的喜好、厭惡、長處、不足、夢想、抱負等，了解個性的好與壞兩面。緊記，人無完美，你也亦然。要如批判別人般，不留情面、誠實地自我檢討，假如找出愧疚之處，如你的壞脾氣、公主病、悲觀、愛投訴等，不要為這些不足找藉口或以長處掩飾，相反要在意並認真地撥亂反正。當你對自己感到滿意，你將提高個人的自信心，使你成為真誠可靠的對象，在這樣的你面前，他可以示弱，不用再跟你那些愛情遊戲或假裝成別人。

　　即使是《情場絕橋王》中的愛情顧問（韋史密夫飾演）也於最後承認要真誠待人，先要對自己坦白，這正是成就任何一段愛情關係的關鍵。

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

Getting To Know Me

　　“Getting to Know You” was the show tune of Rodgers and Hammerstein’s musical The King and I which was a cute and fun song. Nevertheless, for adults seeking life partners today, I would recommend “Getting To Know Me” first.

　　There are plenty of books and sagacious gurus out there who offer advice and game plans on how to capture “The One”. Interestingly, most of their wisdom appears to focus on hunting tactics rather than on sustainability, as if seekers need only to polish their skills, wait for the opportunity, pounce on the prey and everything will fall into place. I beg to differ. You might have the right pick up lines, the perfect cleavage or superb strategies, and you will probably reap a sensational affair, but it won’t last because sustainable relationships are not about game playing.

　　To deploy tactics in order to win someone’s affection is actually calculated and premeditated misrepresentation – hardly the right way to start building a life together with someone. So why do people play games? Mostly because they do not understand themselves very well. Let’s take a look at a few common examples:

(1)　Playing Cool

　　The other party seems interested, deep down you are thrilled to bits, but you play hard to get. You don’t want to respond too much or too soon for fear of appearing “cheap” or “eager”. By assuming “coolness” you hope the courtship would intensify. Chances are he probably misreads the signals you and goes on to pursue someone else…

(2)　Playing Upper Class

　　You pretend to be a wine, Italian opera and art connoisseur when you actually prefer yin-yeung, karaoke and shopping. You feign a false upbringing to reflect a refined, cultivated background when you are in fact just one of us. Her family and friends dislike you because they’ll see through you and consider you a fake.

(3)　Playing Cavalier

　　You two had a fight and you rush to initiate a break up because you are so defensive you would  jump queue to pre-empt hurt ! For pride’s sake, you desperately need to ditch him first before he ditches you! Shouting in a hurry “I don’t need anyone in my life !” The truth is,  you really do, and you may well be jumping your guns prematurely.

　　The common underlying reasons for these charade may vary, but generally for case (1) the person is being naive, lacks self confidence of is gravely misinformed. In case (2) he is deeply insecure. In case (3) She is frightened to death, of loneliness, of failure.

　　So if such “tactics” are wrong, what is the best way to go about finding Mr. or Ms. Right ?

　　Start by getting to know yourself really well first. Your likes and dislikes, strength and weaknesses, dreams, fears, aspirations…the good and bad sides of your own personality traits. Remember, nobody is perfect, not even you.  So be as brutally honest with your own assessment as you would when you criticize others, and if there is something you aren’t proud of, for instance, you have a foul temper… you have a princess attitude…  you are negative and tend to complain a lot…Do not try to justify your shortcomings or hide them beneath your strength, instead make a conscious, serious effort to change for the better. Once you are comfortable with yourself, you gain self confidence and a confident person is genuine, he is capable of being vulnerable and he doesn’t need to play games or pretend to be someone he is not any more.

　　Even Date Doctor Hitch (Will Smith) conceded in the end that to be genuine to others, you have to be genuine to yourself first, and that is the key to any successful relationship.