想愛但不敢愛

　　很多人向我們表示想找個伴，可是愈快有人示好，他/她卻愈快逃掉，或借口多多，為未萌芽的戀情判定死亡。這種行為多有一種模式，固定地重覆。為何這班渴望擁有終生伴侶的人會躲避愛情？

　　我們一直在研究這班客人的行為，並轉介他們予輔導員、臨床心理學家、心理醫生。部分最終康復，部分只能周而復始下去。這班活在痛苦的人通常為兩類人。

第一類

　　畢加索害怕獨處。他經常需要兩個女人同時作伴，以防會失掉一個。這種恐懼表現在他的畫作上，他亦不斷地受此折磨。第一類拒絕展開愛情的人輕蔑畢加索般的想法，以及那些看來沮喪的人。他們想保護自己，以免找不到夢寐以求的對象，並積極的先發制人，深深陷入自己的防禦機制。

　　這類人稱他們要找另一半，但在遇上那個滿分的人前，他們不要跟誰開展關係。他們自稱已有美滿的人生，又不為單身所困擾。伴侶？要，但要「絕配」的另一半。他們自知想法不開通，又把門路趕絕得太快太早。他們曾讀過我的書及專欄，與心理醫生、輔導員會面，他們聽到我的觀點，會點頭、微笑，表示同意，只是覺悟不久後又故態復萌。

　　問題出於害怕失敗、失望的情緒過分泛濫，以致他們不經意地將自我否定轉化成自力更生的信念，重覆浮現的信念成座右銘，長存下來，不需要伴侶的預言就自然應驗。

第二類

　　「Philophobia」是希臘文字，意即對投入戀愛有反常、持續及無理的恐懼。被這種痛苦所拖曳的多是以前在感情路上受過傷的人。「Philophobia」會引發冒汗、心律不齊、氣促等徵狀。恐懼的最可怕之處是會令人逃避承諾，牢困自己於寂寞中。

　　這類情況較第一類更為複雜，嚴重者建議尋求專業人士的協助。

建議

　　第一步是你要意識及承認自己有這樣的情況。辨出自身的恐懼，並找出你所真正懼怕的。你可能誤把失去生活自主的不安當作戀愛恐懼。可是你為何有這種想法？重整你的思考方式，取代「失去」甚麼，想想你可以從戀愛關係中「得到」更多，即如互相扶持、合作、倚靠……我敢說，還有愛？

　　學習面對自己的恐懼，要知道它不會在一夜好夢後煙消雲散。不要為趕著解決問題而頭昏腦脹，這是沒有時限的。若果你曾經歷極糟的一次，不要在此停下，並從中吸取經驗。若然是他錯了，做不到原諒，就學習忘記，繼續向前邁步。假如是你犯錯，為補過就要避免再犯。撇開以上種種，停止再問他/她是否真命天子，除非你嘗試了，否則答案永不掀盅。

　　「不在乎天長地久，只在乎曾經擁有。」　（“it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…”） Alfred Lord Tennyson

 （按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

Fear of Love

　　Many people come to us looking for love, but as soon as someone shows interest, he/she would back away or start looking for excuses to justify why this relationship would not work even before it begins. There is usually a pattern to such a behavior and it would repeat itself  regularly. Why do people who seemingly want a life partner shun away?

　　We have studied these clients and referred them to counselors, clinical psychologists and psychiatrists. Some eventually recovered, some never did. People who are so afflicted usually fall into two distinct categories:

The First Type –

　　Picasso was terrified of being alone. He always needed two women simultaneously, just in case he might lose one. This fear was reflected in many of his paintings, and he was incessantly tormented by it. The first type of people who reject love before it happens are those who are contemptuous of Picasso lookalikes, of people who look and sound desperate. They want to protect themselves in case they don’t find what they are looking for, and in a vigorous attempt to pre-empt hurt, they go far and deep into their defensive mode.

　　These people say they want to find a spouse but they don’t want to be  in a relationship unless it meets their requirements 100%. They claim to have fulfilling lives and are not desperately unhappy about  being single. A partner? yes, but only a “perfect match” please. They know they are not being open minded, and that they discard way too quickly too soon. They have read my books and columns, attended sessions with psychologists and counselors, they have listened to our views,they nod, smile and agree ..but their epiphany is  short lived and they suffer relapses .

　　The problem here is that because the fear of failure & disappointment is so overwhelming  one inadvertently distorts self denial into self reliance, and the incessant repetition of this mantra  perpetuates the situation, turning it into a self-fulfilled prophecy of not finding anyone.

The Second Type –

　　Philophobia is a Greek word meaning the abnormal, persistent and unwarranted fear of being in love and falling in love. People who are susceptible to such an affliction are usually those who had been badly hurt in the past. Philophobia can  trigger symptoms such as sweating, irregular heartbeat or shortness of breath. The worst aspect of this fear is that it pushes a person away from commitment and keeps him in solitude.

　　This is infinitely more complicated than the first type and serious conditions would be well advised to seek professional help.

Suggestions

　　The first step is to realize that you have such a condition and admit it. Identify your fear and find out what exactly are you afraid of. You may think you are afraid of falling in love when you are actually afraid of losing control in your life. But why would you? start re-structuring your thinking pattern, instead of “losing” anything, you will be “gaining” a great deal more in a relationship – viz. mutual support, collaboration, companionship…and dare I say, love ?

　　Learn to face your fear knowing that it won’ go away overnight. Do not overwhelm yourself by rushing it, there is no time constraint. If indeed you had gone through a dreadful episode, stop dwelling on it and learn from experience. If he was wrong and you cannot forgive, learn to forget and walk on. If you were wrong, redeem yourself by not making the same mistake twice. Above all, stop asking whether he/she is the right one for you? Because you will never know unless you try.

　　“it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all…” Alfred Lord Tennyson